This is a new series I wanted to start where I write about things unfiltered. Sometimes it may not make sense, but I wanted to be able document things that happen in life that may be difficult to talk about. We all go through things and it’s not always so picture perfect as presented on social media.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, with October 15th specifically being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
Hearing the word’s you are pregnant, shifts everything in your world. There is so much joy and excitement of things to come. These were all the feelings I had when my doctor called and told me the news. I was going in for blood work as standard procedure for my surgery and I was not expecting this bit of news. In the back of mind, I just had this feeling that something wasn’t right. Next followed a few weeks of waiting to see the baby on the ultrasound. As soon as they saw it was in my fallopian tubes it was like everything was a blur. Fortunately, because it was caught so early on I had no damage and just had it dissolved. One of the worst 72 hours of my life. I feel so grateful for my husband and family taking care of me those days.
There are times when you can ask yourself why is this happening to me and why is it seemingly easier for others. Some days I feel sadness, but I try to focus on the positives of how the situation could have been much worse. I wrote something recently about my state of mind currently (previous post on the subject here).
Was it all just a dream
And not reality
I try to block the memory
But it never leaves me
Questions of why is it not easy
Just like those surrounding
Maybe this is another sign
Of my need to give up control
Fall on my knees and let it go
A different story is being told
But I’m not alone
Many others have faced the cold
The cold truth that their baby is gone
But I’m not alone
He hears my heart’s desires
And holds me on this journey
Where I hope to find peace